I keep telling myself over and over again, "We've been here before and it always worked out at the last minute". Unfortunately my whining human nature side seems to cry out louder, "But I don't want to wait till the last minute again! I hate all the stress of it coming down to the wire! Haven't we been through enough to prove that we will do whatever He says so we don't have to be left on the edge of our seats right to the very last every time?". Being human can really suck at times, especially those moments when you really, really just need to be able to dwell in the Spirit so you can have the peace you desperately crave.
For now, I need to accept that things are going to be down to the wire, or even worse, but I am really struggling with it this time for some reason. God called us to Ireland. We are here, and there was a lot of down to the wire situations that got us here but we also had a lot of direction on where to go. This time we know we are running out of time but we also feel like we are running out of path. We don't know where we are going, we don't know what is next, and we don't know how it will happen but we do know that we only have about 2 months left.
We live here on student loans. It is how we pay rent and bills. Branden's part time job is how we pay for groceries. The student loan runs out around the beginning of March and Branden has been applying for full time jobs since August 2013 with no bites and no leads. Most of these jobs would require us to move but with funding quickly running out, we would need to move soon. Even if we don't move, we can't survive off of his part time job and we face the potential of having to go back to how we started here in Ireland, living off of donations from friends and family that supported us.
Being financially supported was an amazing but also very difficult thing to go through. Maybe it's a pride problem of mine but I find it very hard to ask others to give up their hard earned money. Although now as I write it out, it may actually be an issue of worth. I have never been good at taking compliments, I dislike being pointed out or acknowledged, and I most certainly don't feel worthy of having my life supported financially by others. It's just me. Plain, simple me and I am nothing special, I don't heal people, give prophetic insight to people, or even speak in tongues. I am worthless at reading my Bible every day and struggle to find where I fit in at my church that makes my anxiety peak whenever I think about going. It is not easy to ask others to lay things on the table for you when you feel you bring nothing to it.
I know that things will work out somehow, I know that we have faced having no finances before, I know God has brought us through some crazy, last minute deadlines in the past in ways that weren't humanly possible. So why is this time finding my faith fading when past instances have shown me that this is the best time to be caught up in a miracle? I think it's back to the worth thing. All the other times we knew where we were going and what we were doing, and this time we know nothing. We don't know where our ministry is going, what type of job Branden will be in, where we will be living, or anything. It is all up in the air and I don't know how I will fit in when it all hits the ground.
Today I will be making a miracle jar. I'm basically just going to get some sort of jar that I have laying around and start documenting every blessing and miracle God does. It may not answer my fear of having nothing in a couple of months but at least it will give me hope in the moment I am living. Right now I think that's all I can cling to.
